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Monday, April 07, 2003
I am currently listening to a song that was intentionally constructed to be the worst song in the world. Here's the theory:

The most unwanted music is over 25 minutes long, veers wildly between loud and quiet sections, between fast and slow tempos, and features timbres of extremely high and low pitch, with each dichotomy presented in abrupt transition. The most unwanted orchestra was determined to be large, and features the accordion and bagpipe (which tie at 13% as the most unwanted instrument), banjo, flute, tuba, harp, organ, synthesizer (the only instrument that appears in both the most wanted and most unwanted ensembles). An operatic soprano raps and sings atonal music, advertising jingles, political slogans, and “elevator” music, and a children's choir sings jingles and holiday songs. The most unwanted subjects for lyrics are cowboys and holidays, and the most unwanted listening circumstances are involuntary exposure to commericals and elevator music. Therefore, it can be shown that if there is no covariance—someone who dislikes bagpipes is as likely to hate elevator music as someone who despises the organ, for example—fewer than 200 individuals of the world's total population would enjoy this piece.

Coincidentally, I was just listening to the Butthole Surfers' "Kuntz," and really, if you lenghtened that to 25 minutes and threw in some product placements, that'd probably qualify, too.

Anyway, the whole criteria file is here and includes lyrics, which are almost as hilarious as the song itself. They also attempt to make the most likable song possible. Find the worst song here, and the best song here. Come to think of it, the Boredoms would probably qualify for "worst song" too, wouldn't they?

Oh, if those links don't work anymore, e-mail me and I'll host 'em somewhere else. Well worth experiencing. It's amazing.

ps It's also the worst goddamn children's choir I've ever heard.

(thanks to Fluxblog)