In the tragic aftermath of Love Monkey, the viewer is not so much left with questions of quality or accuracy as he is left with questions of theology.

Basically, this can be summed up as: Does God hate me or does God love me?

Let's look at the two sides.

GOD HATES ME

God hates me and has sent this abortion of an entertainment to Earth to torment me. Ow, my head hurts. Why, God, why. Why do you make me suffer. Why do you make me watch this show. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

GOD LOVES ME

But maybe God agrees with me about the whole everything-that-comes-out-of-this-character's-mouth-is-loathesome thing, and so He has created the most absurd possible exaggeration of that viewpoint and made it into a CBS sitcom so everyone can watch it and say, "Oh, you know, this really is stupid. We shouldn't think this way. It's just absurd."

GOD HATES ME

But then at one point Miss Clap turns to me and says, "Hey, he really does look like you. But, like, the movie star version of you." And granted she has the flu, but maybe this just means that God is speaking through her to directly torment me. Get the hell out of my girlfriend, God!

GOD LOVES ME

But come on, the whole morality arc of the pilot is that he gets fired by the big bad major record label ("Goliath," get it?) because he objects to them wanting to sell music like Ashlee Simpson to ten-year-old girls. which "anyone can do," sign a lip-synching one-hit-wonder, that is[1], and should be promoting timeless acts like the Stones and Dylan and Aretha Franklin instead[2], and considers starting his own label, but instead gets a new job at this indie label called "True Vinyl Records,"[3] but the "genius" new singer-songwriter dude he wants to sign is actually a new artist for Sony/BMG![4] Which, you know, I don't give a fuck, but for the love of You, God, You can't expect me to believe that someone could both embrace that horrible yay-classic-rock-boo-major-label-pop morality while also doing synergy for one of the biggest music labels in the history of the world? No one could be expected to take that seriously, right? And by placing them side by side, you're trying to expose the silliness of both positions, right? Right, God? God? Where are you going? God?

GOD HATES ME

Jason Priestly calls Tori Amos "vagina music."[5]

GOD LOVES ME

The A&R dude's friend who is a former pro baseball player is also gay. His friends do not know he's gay. which we find out via a scene where the former pro athelete gets hit on by a beautiful woman and turns her down, and his friends kid him for this in a "oh you are so straight" kinda way. We, the viewer, find out he's gay during a montage in which all the main characters are coming home to their sweeties. The ex-ballplayer knocks on the door and there is a man. He gives the man flowers and they hug.

GOD HATES ME

The final scene has as its soundtrack "Mr. Brightside."

GOD LOVES ME

It's on opposite Boston Legal.

So, as usual, a tie. I'm going to go have some cake.


[1] Note to people who did not watch the show: this is not an exaggeration. This is pretty much verbatim.
[2] No, I know, but really, verbatim, I swear to you.
[3] I swear to you! I swear!
[4] No, really!
[5] This is all sounding like a prank at this point, I know, but you have to believe me.
posted by Mike B. at 10:48 PM 0 comments

The Supreme Court upholding Oregon's assisted suicide law is absolutely amazing--less for legal reasons, I think (in retrospect, the 1997 decision denying the constitutionality of a "right to die" seems less a rebuke and more a clear "uh, let's send it to the states, and we'll let the lefty ones try it out and see how it goes" sort of compromise in the face of something whose time had either come or was very close to coming) and more for political ones. The personal rebuke to Ashcroft ("'authority claimed by the attorney general is both beyond his expertise and incongruous," whoa) is in a certain sense kicking a dead horse, but in another way it's very much a warning to one still on its feet. Ashcroft's behavior at the Justice Department was, at the time, the most blatant and public display of the administration's assertion of an all-power executive branch, with maybe the best example being his policy of forcing federal prosecutors to seek the death penalty in jurisdictions where public opinion about capital punishment would make it extremely hard to get a conviction; it didn't fit into any system of political reasoning except for one that sought to advance executive power at all costs. Ashcroft now stands out not as an Icarus of the right but as the canary in the coalmine, pushing the strategy without stating the ideology and seeing how far they could take it before he kicked the professional bucket. Now that the whole "the President can do whatever he wants" thing is being said out loud, especially in the face of the rebuke of the previously-fashionable "the Republican part can do whatever it likes" doctrine, it's interesting that after Ashcroft's fall from grace, he's become a successful lobbyist. Canary indeed.

It's also amazing because even the principals didn't see it coming. Miss Clap's uncle was one of the lawyers on the Oregon side, and when this was discussed, the attitude was pretty much "that's so great that he's arguing a case before the Supreme Court, too bad they'll never win." You never know.

posted by Mike B. at 10:41 AM 0 comments

Monday, January 16, 2006

Came up with a new drink last night. Let's call it, I dunno, the Around the World:

Around the World (serves 2)
2 measures orange vodka
1/2 measure triple sec
1/2 measure grenadine
Juice of 1 small orange
Splash of grape kool-aid

Shake with ice and pour into cosmo glasses.

posted by Mike B. at 1:57 PM 0 comments