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Friday, May 20, 2005
I am shocked, shocked that I was not invited to participate in this. As such, I have decided to volunteer my services all free-like and answer up some questions.

What is the quickest way to get a music critic in bed?
The problem here is the use of the word "quickest." Seducing a rockcrit is a lot like tagging a small, skittish woodland creature: either you can shoot them with a tranquilizer gun and just have your way with them, or you have to spend a lot of time coaxing them, cajoling them, gaining their trust, and generally just doing your best not to scare them away. I don't mean either of these things metaphorically--if you want to be quick about it, well, you can pick up tranq guns at K-Mart, from what I understand, so have at it! (Also like tagging animals, people will ask you, "Why the hell would you want to do that?") But if you're going to go with the more subtle route, two important things to remember are that a) most music critics' sole turn-off is bad musical taste, and b) unless you're quite familiar with their opinions, you have no idea whatsoever what they think constitutes "bad musical taste." Sure, they might be at a Bright Eyes show, and so you'd think you could get to 'em by talking about something related but slightly different, like Iron & Wine, but listen, you have no idea. They could be getting paid to go to that show and are hating it. They could have embraced some sort of weird cosmology where Sam Beam's somewhat apolitical nature makes him a tool, whereas Conor is a big bright shining star. You just don't know. It's much more reliable to talk about things that aren't music, since rockcrits are simultaneously not too familiar with anything besides music while also liking to think that they are. Art's ideal, but books work well, too. When it doubt, remember: they are right, you are wrong. Sure, this is offensive, but it's all in pursuit of the booty.

It's also very important to realize that the vast majority of music critics don't like sex. That's why they're spending all their time listening to albums and then writing about them instead of fucking. They might like dressing sexy or talking about sex, but when it comes to the actual business of gettin' sloppy with another human being, they give it one and a half stars. They've spent so long cultivating this universe of microdivisions of taste that the big gross exposures of intercourse represent a horrendous imposition. So while the sex might not be great, just remember--the cred of having bagged a rare rockcrit should make the whole weird situation far more erotic. Or at least a little.

My boyfriend and I have a great sex life except for one thing: he is constantly putting on the worst music during sex, i.e. Supreme Beings of Leisure and other dated trip-hop type crap. I can't stand it and it turns me off completely but he insists we listen to it.

Well, first of all, you should congratulate your boyfriend on not being a dupe of the "bad taste conspiracy" that you seem to be 100% behind; having the spiritual bravery to admit your wholly shameful musical impulses to your most intimate partner is no small feat, especially when it's causing said partner to massively lose respect for you and no longer want to continue the act of physical love.

Now, if that shame trip doesn't work, you might consider making your musical requests during sex rather than before or after. And if that doesn't work, I dunno, punch him and put on Prince. Goddamn men and their music.

Do all music critics fuck each other? How can I get in on the action?

By becoming a rock critic and replacing the word "fuck" in your question with "verbally masturbate."

My wife recently has begun to favor her dildo over me. I've been totally supportive of her desire to masturbate regularly but it's beginning to put a kink into our sex life. How can I compete with a dildo five times the size of my real thing? How should I approach her?

Draw a little frowny face on it. No one likes things with frowny faces. If that doesn't work, whine about it like a little bitch until you get your way. Make sure to say afterwards, "Ha ha, my pleasure is more important than yours."

Recently I've realized I'm aroused by scat porn and want to try it with my girlfriend. However, I'm also ashamed of being turned on by this and afraid if I tell my girlfriend she'll leave me. I really want to try it. How can I satisfy my sexual curiosity without jeopardizing my relationship?

The key here is to "accidentally" introduce poop into the bedroom without it being out-and-out scat, and the easiest way to that is to engage in butt play at the farthest point in time from a shower or a bowel movement. (If you aren't fairly familiar with your partner's showering and pooping schedule, maybe you shouldn't be considering scat quite yet.) So you stick your finger in there a little and they're all, "hey, you know..." and so you're all, "baby, don't worry, you'll like it" and they're all, "but..." and then you kiss them, because they're going to say something that amounts to "there's a lot of poop in my butt and you're about to touch it," and that's never good for the mood. So you're going, and you're working it, and your partner's getting nice and worked up, and then you pull the anal intruder (so to speak) out of there and look at it and go, "huh!" (Or maybe something more smooth than "huh!" though I have no idea what that would be.)

This is the crucial moment: if your partner continues to be aroused, then you can start to think about talking about it. If, instead, they get really, really embarassed and put on a robe and go to the bathroom and don't touch you too much for the next week or so, you're shit out of luck, har har har.

If that doesn't work, just go ahead and take a poop on whatever available body part you can find, then run away from them while masturbating furiously. That's always worked for me.