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Monday, June 02, 2003
As a political scientist-slash-theorist, I'm always interested in new ways of classifying and describing governmental functions, since these taxonomies can bring out hidden similarities and previously clouded truths that assist in our analysis of policies and the precepts behind them. So I was particularly interested to hear Grover Norquist say: "Bipartisanship is another name for date rape."
Well, this certainly piqued my interest--it was, after all, quite a new way of classifying things. I mean, he didn't just call it "rape," he called it more specifically "date rape." So I thought, heck, why not run with it? Maybe this will yield some useful tidbits!
The bicameral system: anal rape
Federalism: mouth rape
Gerrymandering: hand rape
Appropriations committees: plain "vanilla" rape
Having the Senate majority leader take a piss in a sink while you're trying to talk to him: watersports rape
Allowing lobbyists to write legislation: bedroom rodeo rape
Impeaching a President for getting a blowjob: legal rape
Raping the environment: metaphorical rape
Using overblown metaphors to describe minor events like "bipartisanship" or "drilling for oil" : linguistic rape
Forcing someone to listen to Anne Coulter: rape fantasies
Passing a reasonably massive abridgment of civil liberties while everyone is still reeling from a national tragedy: "no one expects the Spanish Inquisition" rape
Confessing that you have "lusted in my heart": pretty much raping yourself there, Jimmy
The war on Iraq: "good" rape
Having your own party support a policy its base clearly detests (i.e. Dems passing welfare reform, Bush supporting assault weapons ban): incestual rape
This strategy then helping your party get elected: raping your sister and kind of liking it but then feeling dirty about it afterwards
Giving your stridently partisan news channel the motto "fair and balanced": cynical rape
Naming the national airport after a President who fired striking air traffic controllers: ironic rape
Claiming being called a bad name constitutes rape: postmodern rape
"Hey, maybe we should invade Syria": theoretical rape
Tax cuts: raping the fuuuuuture!
Sunset clauses: statutory rape
Senate confirmation hearings: gang rape
"Republicans who don't support the tax cut are like Jacques Chirac": professional rape
Media deregulation: monopolistic rape
Democratic strategy: really wanting to rape but not being able to get it up
The Heritage Institute: rape that looks like consensual sex
Escaping to Oklahoma to break a quorum: rape, but funny rape
Using the DHS to track them down: "dude, this rape was funny before, but you took it too far."
Catholic priests: raping for Jesus!
Leftists going on right-wing talk shows: "baby I'm sorry I just love you so much" rape
This list: taking rape to a whole new level
Well, that's all I got for now. Any other suggestions?