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Monday, June 02, 2003
As a political scientist-slash-theorist, I'm always interested in new ways of classifying and describing governmental functions, since these taxonomies can bring out hidden similarities and previously clouded truths that assist in our analysis of policies and the precepts behind them. So I was particularly interested to hear Grover Norquist say: "Bipartisanship is another name for date rape."
Well, this certainly piqued my interest--it was, after all, quite a new way of classifying things. I mean, he didn't just call it "rape," he called it more specifically "date rape." So I thought, heck, why not run with it? Maybe this will yield some useful tidbits! The bicameral system: anal rape Federalism: mouth rape Gerrymandering: hand rape Appropriations committees: plain "vanilla" rape Having the Senate majority leader take a piss in a sink while you're trying to talk to him: watersports rape Allowing lobbyists to write legislation: bedroom rodeo rape Impeaching a President for getting a blowjob: legal rape Raping the environment: metaphorical rape Using overblown metaphors to describe minor events like "bipartisanship" or "drilling for oil" : linguistic rape Forcing someone to listen to Anne Coulter: rape fantasies Passing a reasonably massive abridgment of civil liberties while everyone is still reeling from a national tragedy: "no one expects the Spanish Inquisition" rape Confessing that you have "lusted in my heart": pretty much raping yourself there, Jimmy The war on Iraq: "good" rape Having your own party support a policy its base clearly detests (i.e. Dems passing welfare reform, Bush supporting assault weapons ban): incestual rape This strategy then helping your party get elected: raping your sister and kind of liking it but then feeling dirty about it afterwards Giving your stridently partisan news channel the motto "fair and balanced": cynical rape Naming the national airport after a President who fired striking air traffic controllers: ironic rape Claiming being called a bad name constitutes rape: postmodern rape "Hey, maybe we should invade Syria": theoretical rape Tax cuts: raping the fuuuuuture! Sunset clauses: statutory rape Senate confirmation hearings: gang rape "Republicans who don't support the tax cut are like Jacques Chirac": professional rape Media deregulation: monopolistic rape Democratic strategy: really wanting to rape but not being able to get it up The Heritage Institute: rape that looks like consensual sex Escaping to Oklahoma to break a quorum: rape, but funny rape Using the DHS to track them down: "dude, this rape was funny before, but you took it too far." Catholic priests: raping for Jesus! Leftists going on right-wing talk shows: "baby I'm sorry I just love you so much" rape This list: taking rape to a whole new level Well, that's all I got for now. Any other suggestions?
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