clap clap blog: we have moved

Friday, January 28, 2005
OK, but what would Grand Theft Auto: Twee City actually be like? Obviously it would start off in Olympia, and you would increase your status by buying more 7"s and increase your sex appeal by picking out the right vintage hat. You wouldn't have much equipment at first and so your missions would involve staging shows in people's houses and doing all-acoustic, group sets where everyone is sitting on the floor of the club. Except you have to do it in a way that conveys that you prefer to do like that, not that you have to. Eventually Calvin Johnston would send you to kill the Shins, except they take you into their fold and make you a marketing VP at Sub Pop, so you open up Seattle on the map. You'd have to write sufficiently cryptic letters to The Believer, kneecap college radio music directors, and find just the right coffeeshop. Your girlfriend would be a photographer and you would take her out to used bookstores, and if you found just the right ironic-but-sexy book ("Sexual Astrology," say, but only if it features a ridiculous cover illustration), booty city! You would only drive old, dark-green cars, or bikes. Once you got high up enough, you would ride a Vespa. You would have a "shagginess" meter. If it had been too long since you smoked, your coolness meter would start to go down. If you listened to the wrong radio station in your car and somebody hears you, your cred meter would go down. Eventually you would open up San Francisco (possibly through becoming a tour manager, thus giving you access to a bitchin' van), you would work for McSweeney's and eventually start your own small label that wouldn't do any runs larger than 500.

Any additions?