So this list of 100 best albums to listen to whilst making the beast with two backs is kinda...oh, what's the word...worrisome, I guess. Is this really what the kids think is sexxxy these days? Yoinks!

Besides the ones that would just make it hard not to stop and have a good long talk with the person about their priorities in life (Broken Social Scene, Sunny Day Real Estate, The Chemical Brothers, The Shins, Lovage) and the ones that would make sweet lovemaking difficult because I would snooze on off halfway through (Iron and Wine, Wilco, Neil Young, Coldplay, Air)--plus the ones that count for both (Godspeed You Black Emperor)--there are some that are just disturbing. Viz:

100. The Postal Service – Give Up

Seeing as how right when Ben Gibbard's vocals come in, the headphones blow off my ears with the force of my hate, I can't even imagine what this would be like in a bedroom situation. I mean, that can be fun sometimes, but I'm doubtful anyone who put this on would be expecting a Pigface experience, if you know what I mean. Also: where's Pigface on this list?

91. Violent Femmes – Violent Femmes

Do you want me to be thinking about my high school girlfriend the entire time?

66. Elliott Smith - Either/Or

Er, I know the site is called Suicide Girls and all, but aside from the fact that I could never respect someone who thought mopey white dudes with acoustic guitars are sexy, this guy killed himself by stabbing himself in the chest with a knife. Stabbing himelf in the chest with a knife. Not the best thing to be thinking about when you're exposing your wee-wee to a stranger.

64. Notorious B.I.G. – Ready To Die

This would be good up until one particular track. That track is called "Suicidal Thoughts." At this point it would not be good. At all. "Oh baby, I want you, I...uh, what's he saying? Oh god!"

45. Big Black – Songs About Fucking

I'm just going to assume this was a joke and move on. I dunno, something about industrial murder/rape songs just doesn't do it for me in this context. Maybe they're into that sort of thing, but if you are, maaaaybe you should be looking elsewhere for your sexual fulfillment.

43. The Smiths - The Smiths

You're gay! You're gay, aren't you? (Or, if already gay: you're a nerd! You're a nerd, aren't you!)

36. Joy Division – Closer

"Hi! I hope you're ready for three months of being screamed at for neglecting my needs, followed by me getting drunk and making out with your roommate, because boy howdy, that's what you just signed up for!"

34. Areosmith – Greatest Hits

There's nothing disturbing about this, actually, I just wanted to point out how it's awesome and totally right.

28. Nine Inch Nails – The Downward Spiral

OK, we're talking pig head on a stick here, remember? There are fine goth/industrial bands to have sex to--My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult tops among them--so really, do we need to put on the album with "March of the Pigs" quite so early in the sequencing? Trust me, you don't want that. You really don't want that.

24. Mazzy Star – Among My Swan

It would just make me want to do heroin instead.

21. Lauryn Hill – The Miseducation of…

I'm sorry, did I say something wrong? What did I say? No seriously, I know I said something. Why are you offended? Alright, whatever.

9. The Cure – Disintegration

Look, I'm just saying, we're having sex here. It's OK. You're not a depressed teenager anymore. (You're not a teenager of any kind, right? Oh, wshew. Good.) You can have fun! Look! We're having fun! Hey! Let's put on something that's not primarily used by middle-class youth to justify their angst!

53. Tricky – Maxinquaye
52. Massive Attack - Protection
31. Massive Attack – Blue Lines
8. Portishead – Dummy
1. Massive Attack – Mezzanine

Look, I wouldn't pick up someone wearing capri pants, so why would I want to have sex to trip-hop in this day and age? Sure, we've all done it. But we've all lived in a dorm room with posters of Bob Marley on the wall, too. It's time to move on. Look, I have this CD here. It's by a guy named Prince. Prince! Have you ever heard of him? No? Yeah, I know, he's not on the list. But just trust me on this one, OK? You'll like it.

(The best and most unexpected pick on the list, incidentally, is George Micheal – Ladies & Gentleman: The Best of (Disc 2), which should be much higher. Good call! But really, no Prince? Really? C'mon now.)

(Link via TMFTML obvs.)

posted by Mike B. at 4:51 PM 0 comments