clap clap blog: we have moved

Tuesday, May 17, 2005
This season of America's Next Top Model would have been much more interesting if the theme song was Fannypack's "Feet And Hands."

Don't have a car yet, no rims of chrome,
No diamonds, no pretty stones
Just a dresser drawer filled with broken cellphones
But I didn't pay my bill, so no dialtone...
Anticipation, gotta stop wasting
Time, let's go, we can all catch a case in
Federal court, cos I'm better at sports
Spend the weekend in Wisconson at a chedder resort
Spend cheese and Gs with the greatest of ease
Rude girls know "thank you," "no, please"
Got no condominiums, got no home trainin
Gettin so wet you could think it's rainin
Took a trip to Spain and points beyond
Prince took me to an opera but I just yawned
Spawn of the devil, but I chill in heaven
Get my 40s and blunts from 7-11...
Now we rep shows in other continents
You rob Mickey Ds for condiments
You should give your man my compliments
The pillowcase is where the condom went...

You will note the tension here between material need and worldly success, which doesn't entirely jive, but in the context of the show, it's a great representation of the humble beginnings of some of the contestants and their aspirational, occsionally vindictive, visions of success. I'm especially thinking here of two incidents: the notorious "Tyra loses her shit" moment and the South Africa visit.

Tiffany is the legendary ANTM contestant who got sent home in the initial cull last season, after getting into a fight with a girl at a bar and yelling, "Bitch got beer in my weave!" She was back this year, and did make the cut, having seemingly chilled out a good bit, really to the degree that she seemed more mature than almost all the other girls. She is indeed from the ghetto, and yeah, "anticipation, gotta stop wasting time," but in the end it sure seemed like the "spawn of the devil...chill[ing] in heaven" were the judges, sitting up on a pedestal, less wise sages and more evil bastards. When Tyra acts crazier than Janice, well, given Tyra's repeated reminders that she herself is from the ghetto, Tiffany starts to seem like the classy one, and Tyra starts to seem like the one getting her "blunts and 40s from 7-11." We always suspected, really; the whole dismissal ceremony is just really manipulative and creepy. Miss Clap is fond of pointing out how the judges break the spirits of all the girls over the course of the competition.

The other bit is almost a literal translation--they have, indeed, spent 3 or 4 episodes in South Africa at a fancy resort, and there were not a few incidents reminscent of "prince took me to an opera but I just yawned," especially with our friend Keenyah, who I'm sure has a distinct personality all her own, but I always just confuse her with the rich black girl from the gated community outside of NYC from last season. Her weird insistence on her own uniqueness, in the face of all available evidence, is baffling, and you get a clear sense that if she won, it wouldn't be with the kind of grace we've seen from Eva or whatsherface from Season 2. Tiffany's gone, taking with her the last interesting human being; Britney's gone, taking with her the last interesting personality, withered and beaten down though it may be by this point in the season; and who do we have left? Some people who could really benefit from the kind of bratty attidude Fannypack's so rich with. I've got my fingers crossed for a finale decided by freestyle battle.