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Thursday, June 30, 2005
Look, I hear where you're coming from. I can certainly see how you would get offended when your partners seem to be attracted to you for racially stereotyped reasons--thinking you're a Dragon Lady or a Hot-Blooded Latino or what have you. I understand that you don't want to be forced into playing a role for someone else's pleasure, and that you want to be looked at as an individual rather than a faceless representative of a racial group with socially constructed characteristics. That sucks ass.

But on the other hand, you can't really help what turns you on. If you look at a Chinese lady and subconsciously think, before you ever talk to her, "ooh, she's hot, I bet she's strong and kind of bitchy and sexually adventurous," well, so it goes, and maybe you'll end up dating and marrying and having lots of adorable, racially mixed children. (Of course, if you look at a Japanese girl and think "schoolgirl!" that's kind of creepy, which is what makes the whole indie-rock Asian girl festish so particularly weird, but this is neither the time nor the place.) Just because they're artificially constructed doesn't mean you're not genuinely aroused. If there are more things that attract people to each other, it would seem to be for the better, and if it's kind of insulting, well, most things that go on in the bedroom sound gross and weird and offensive outside of the context of wanting to have an orgasm in the very immediate future. That's one of the things that's so great about the fucking: you do and say the things you can't normally do or say, and it's not because it's transgressive or subversive, it's because it's fun, like sex itself.

Thus, while some would advise rectifying this situation by shattering the socially constructed stereotypes that hem us in and assign us certain roles we ourselves do not choose, I see a slightly different problem: there are no sexual stereotypes for white men. Black men, Latino men, even Asian men--there are well-established, preconceived notions of the way in which they are sexy, to say nothing of women of every ethnicity and race and social class and style of dress and religion and hair length, but white men are about as erotically charged as sheetrock. And really, wouldn't it be easier to add one more sexual stereotype than to eliminate all the existing ones? Yes it would, my friend, yes it would. My goal is for one day people to see a farm kid from Iowa and think, "Mmm, check out that white boy. He looks like he'd slap your ass just the right number of times."

In furtherance of this goal, I will now assign sexual stereotypes to various groups of white men.

My first impulse was to do it by country, but really, I'm an American, and I think we need to get away from tying ourselves to nationality. So, instead, I will do it by state, because that's always a pretty good indicator of your identity, plus in this globalized world I strongly believe in localism and community etc. etc. So states it is.

(IMPORTANT NOTE: I am not doing this to make myself, as a white male, sexier. I am already sexy enough. Also, I've already addressed the ways in which rock critics are sexy.)

Without further ado, your new sexual identity, white boy!

Alabama - Cheap date, good post-sex conversation
Alaska - Cuddling quickly turns to intense hand massages, anal sex
Arizona - Will violently defend you from potential suitors but share you freely with blood relatives, and afterwards you have to pretend like it never happened
Arkansas - Inbred from a troupe of trapeeze artists, thus very good at ceiling-based sex
California - Video games an intensely charged seduction rite if you know how to read it
Colorado - Mountain air = lotsa stamina, pot
Connecticut - Under air of careful reserve, a wild thing waiting to get out, except remember how they're reserved, well for them that means using generic hamburger buns is wild, but if you get them drunk they'll fuck anything
Delaware - Adept at doing it in small spaces
District of Columbia - Love to double-team; also, one of their limbs has a mind of its own
Florida - Air of mystery follows them everywhere, and if you puncture it they are yours forever
Georgia - Fetch fast food lightning fast
Hawaii - Well, there's bananas everywhere, and you know what that means
Idaho - Loose as a goose and hard as a yard
Illinois - Semen tastes like peanut butter, it's something in the water
Indiana - Odd attraction to thumbs, chair legs
Iowa - Dicks like a goddamn joystick
Kansas - Will make popcorn, eat it, not give you any, then lick you for three straight hours
Kentucky - Sex training mandatory in schools (don't believe the hype)
Lousiana - Give them drugs and they'll fix your car while servicing you in other ways
Maine - Pinches never felt so good as they did from a Maine man
Maryland - Quick to anger, quicker to erection
Massachusetts - Just want to be loved
Michigan - Will hold up hand to demonstrate glove shape of home state, then will put it anywhere you want them to
Minnesota - Twins, eh
Mississippi - Burning, if you know what I mean
Missouri - Eager to please, eager to leave
Montana - Will slap your ass just the right number of times (hypothetical speaker above was horribly mistaken about state of origin)
Nebraska - Can really husk that corn, if you know what I mean
Nevada - Attracted to sparkly things, small asses, ice cream (long story)
New Hampshire - Always want to be first, but will focus all their attention on you
New Jersey - Not actually radioactive
New Mexico - Ancient wisdom leads to mind-blowing orgasms
New York - The upper part is conservative, but the lower part is super-liberal, if you know what I mean
North Carolina - Believe your fort is impregnible but will do their damndest to take it, if you know what I mean
North Dakota - Proud inheritors of the tradition of nipple worship
Ohio - Balls sing songs of love, if you listen close
Oklahoma - More like Oklahomo, if you know what I mean
Oregon - Will fuck for social justice, with a fervor unseen by outsiders
Pennsylvania - Untrustworthy but if you're not either, a funhouse galore
Rhode Island - The inspiration for "Shoop"
South Carolina - Party animals, culturally humanistic
South Dakota - Aroused by images of Presidents, masonry
Tennessee - Primary recipients of erotic dumb luck
Texas - Size thing is exaggerated, but living with death as a constant possibility fills them with a certain spontaneous, nihilistic joie de vivre
Utah - Eager to reverse polygamy stereotype by being either fiercely monogomous or part of a male harem
Vermont - Will tap that ass like they tap a maple tree, which is to say very well
Virginia - Smoking is sexy, virgins are sexy, and there you have Virginians
Washington - Take-charge, feisty-chef types
West Virginia - Great dancers
Wisconsin - Protectors, pinball players
Wyoming - The pants capital of the world for a reason

So there you have it! Now when courting a white male, you can know what to expect. Meanwhile, if you are a white male, please do your best to fulfill your state's sexual stereotype. It'll just make everything better.