THE STATE OF THE LOWER EAST SIDE IN TWO THOUSAND FIVE
A play in 1 act.

(OUR HERO exits the 2nd Ave. F station and crosses Allen on his way to BERKET to eat LENTIL SOUP before BAND PRACTICE, not that he's a VEGETARIAN or anything, it's just delicious and makes him poop to boot.)

(He is hailed by a DUDE IN A PIN-STRIPED SUIT WITH A BUZZCUT and a BLONDE LADY IN A WHITE BLOUSE.)

DUDE: (facing south) Hey, buddy, which way is Orcard [sic]?
LADY: (quietly) And Ludlow.
OUR HERO: Uh, Orchard...
DUDE: Yeah, Orchard.
OUR HERO: ...Orchard is one block that way, and Ludlow is two blocks.
DUDE: Awesome. And where's Stanton?
OUR HERO: One block down.
DUDE: OK, turn right, cool, thanks bro.

(DUDE takes off his pinstripe jacket to reveal a stripey shirt, then leads LADY off to the east.)

(OUR HERO goes to Berket and gets his soup. Across the street, DOV CHARNEY is wandering outside the American Apparel store, talking on his cellphone via headset and accosting hipster girls in tight skirts. By the back door, 2 girls stand in identical wife beater/black short shorts/cowboy boots outfits.)

OUR HERO: Huh.

(OUR HERO goes into the American Apparel store and notes with some confusion that there are copies of Oui on the walls. He he to admit that the models for the baby clothes are adorable, but there are a whole series of tasteless jokes that could be made here. He leaves.)

(On his way to the rehersal space, he passes a fairly professional-seeming Nazi-themed photoshoot outside Lucky Cheng's. Behind it, B&T girls are using a point-and-shoot camera to take pictures of the people taking pictures, as well as the people having their pictures taken. Next door, outside the Ortiz funeral home, people smoke.)
posted by Mike B. at 11:37 AM 0 comments