In the tragic aftermath of Love Monkey, the viewer is not so much left with questions of quality or accuracy as he is left with questions of theology.

Basically, this can be summed up as: Does God hate me or does God love me?

Let's look at the two sides.

GOD HATES ME

God hates me and has sent this abortion of an entertainment to Earth to torment me. Ow, my head hurts. Why, God, why. Why do you make me suffer. Why do you make me watch this show. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

GOD LOVES ME

But maybe God agrees with me about the whole everything-that-comes-out-of-this-character's-mouth-is-loathesome thing, and so He has created the most absurd possible exaggeration of that viewpoint and made it into a CBS sitcom so everyone can watch it and say, "Oh, you know, this really is stupid. We shouldn't think this way. It's just absurd."

GOD HATES ME

But then at one point Miss Clap turns to me and says, "Hey, he really does look like you. But, like, the movie star version of you." And granted she has the flu, but maybe this just means that God is speaking through her to directly torment me. Get the hell out of my girlfriend, God!

GOD LOVES ME

But come on, the whole morality arc of the pilot is that he gets fired by the big bad major record label ("Goliath," get it?) because he objects to them wanting to sell music like Ashlee Simpson to ten-year-old girls. which "anyone can do," sign a lip-synching one-hit-wonder, that is[1], and should be promoting timeless acts like the Stones and Dylan and Aretha Franklin instead[2], and considers starting his own label, but instead gets a new job at this indie label called "True Vinyl Records,"[3] but the "genius" new singer-songwriter dude he wants to sign is actually a new artist for Sony/BMG![4] Which, you know, I don't give a fuck, but for the love of You, God, You can't expect me to believe that someone could both embrace that horrible yay-classic-rock-boo-major-label-pop morality while also doing synergy for one of the biggest music labels in the history of the world? No one could be expected to take that seriously, right? And by placing them side by side, you're trying to expose the silliness of both positions, right? Right, God? God? Where are you going? God?

GOD HATES ME

Jason Priestly calls Tori Amos "vagina music."[5]

GOD LOVES ME

The A&R dude's friend who is a former pro baseball player is also gay. His friends do not know he's gay. which we find out via a scene where the former pro athelete gets hit on by a beautiful woman and turns her down, and his friends kid him for this in a "oh you are so straight" kinda way. We, the viewer, find out he's gay during a montage in which all the main characters are coming home to their sweeties. The ex-ballplayer knocks on the door and there is a man. He gives the man flowers and they hug.

GOD HATES ME

The final scene has as its soundtrack "Mr. Brightside."

GOD LOVES ME

It's on opposite Boston Legal.

So, as usual, a tie. I'm going to go have some cake.


[1] Note to people who did not watch the show: this is not an exaggeration. This is pretty much verbatim.
[2] No, I know, but really, verbatim, I swear to you.
[3] I swear to you! I swear!
[4] No, really!
[5] This is all sounding like a prank at this point, I know, but you have to believe me.
posted by Mike B. at 10:48 PM 0 comments